daftlypunk:

i hit my coworkers shoulder lightly and he was like “you’re going to make me cry like a girl” and i was like “what’s wrong with being a girl?” and he was quiet for a moment then he looked into the distance and whispered “the social standards they’re forced to live by”

Anonymous asked:
Describe the color red without using the word red.

backshelfpoet:

Red [red]

noun

1. Murder on the sidewalk. My mother’s favorite cherry candy. The sun at ten p.m. on a summer night. Warning, danger. Warning, I love you. Warning, heart like the bloodiest thing you’ve ever seen. Roses. Cranberries. Fire on a beach, fueled with booze and brandy. Fire in an apartment building, fueled with booze and brandy. Fire in your throat. Fire behind your teeth.

2. Her mouth when she kisses you 
and it tastes like someone else.

confessionsofayoungsexworker:

This guy sent me a dick pic so I google searched and sent back a bigger dick pic. This was the response.

averagebare:

one time i was walking across the courtyard and some kids were clustered around where the seagulls always are and then this kid fuckin GRABBED ONE OUT OF THE AIR and i was literally so fucking amazed but all his friends were like “tyrone put that shit down” and “again tyrone?? really??” which is even better because it means he was a habitual seagull catcher 

tonrar:

awwww-cute:

Sore paws and tired legs. Rocky had to be carried over 3 miles back to the trailhead in Desolation Wilderness, CA

Cutest thing ever
the-ghost-darkness:


the ghost and the darkness
56
60

serration:

I was explaining to my 4-year-old cousin that some spiders will kill their mate for food after they have babies. I thought this was gross, but she was unimpressed as she said, "humans will kill each other for no reason, at least spiders kill each other for food." I have never been more ashamed to be a human in my life

“Repeat this until you understand it: I do not need people who do not need me.”

sofiajonze:

a guy walked into the board room and said

"hi sweetheart if you could fix me up a coffee real quick im meeting with the regional reports manager in like five minutes, thanks darling"

and i just stared at him and coldly said

"i am the regional reports manager"

we are now twenty minutes into this board meeting and i dont think i’ve ever seen a man look so embarrassed and afraid in my whole life

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pizzasnachosbutts:

i think walmart got new candles